It’s that time of the year when across the multiverses (at least the ones in which Christianity is celebrated) the online retailers are having a code freeze in order to give people a chance to shop freely. This is a wonderful time for us, when we sit around and go OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CUSTOMER COMPL… oh wait no we don’t care (unless it really is a catastrophe in which case we do care and will sit here for 24 hours at a time until it’s fixed). And so it has been at the HP Lovecraft Institute of Software Design, where our content management system has been … frozen, and we have all been moving slowly.
But … there’s something I’ve been a bit suspicious about. It’s the slowness. It seems to have affected the whole office. At first I thought it was just me, something bought on by the horrible collapse of my immune system that set in shortly after the American election season passed. But then I realized … it’s not just me that can’t think very well anymore … everyone I work with has slowed down. (Except for the people who gave notice – I’m not sure how they got immunity, but I wish whatever they had could be served to me in a cup like Lemsip.)
Now that I’m coming out of my own coma, I’m testing this theory. It appears that in order to maintain the stability of our code, which is abysmal to begin with, we had to put in some tweaks. Our code is now being held together with transdimensional duct tape. In essence, we our borrowing the power that is keeping us from falling apart by tapping into other universes and using THEIR power to stave off OUR entropy. Slowly, ice is creeping across distant planets … delicate life forms are being wiped out … oxygen is escaping from the atmosphere of worlds that are spinning more and more slowly … all so OUR code can hold itself together.
So far, it seems to be working. But obviously there is a cost. And it’s clear that our little “cheat” to get through the holidays was anticipated ages ago. Yes, indeed, tomorrow the bubble gum will snap, and the poorly written spells that have held us in place will bounce back, causing the end of this universe, as anticipated by the Mayans over a thousand years ago. It’s a little embarrassing that we played right into this without realizing it. On the other hand, we’re not really a company that learns from history: and we’re also one that will always take the easy way out if it’s available. I suspect somewhere in a great Godly plain someone places a rook on a giant chess table, and down here someone saw it as an easy capture, thus setting our entire universe up for checkmate.
Yes, we at the H.P. Lovecraft Institute apologize for causing the end of life as we know it. But we wanted to make sure you all had an easy time shopping. And that’s what it’s all about, right? And with that, Merry Christmas, and if any of you figure out how to disconnect our power lines into the world of Nyarlathotep before 2:30 AM EDT, I’d be really grateful if you just went for it. My team is willing to let it pass without any QA; we don’t want the tequila drinking at our annual tamalada to be disturbed, because, when discorporation happens, I want a belly full of of masa and a head full of imaginary mariachi music. The end of the world: lick it, slam it, suck it!